My mind is absolutely everywhere, except for where it needs to be it seems. So, I’m just going to type…this could get really messy, so try to keep up.

Last night, I found myself weak and completely vulnerable, but in all the wrong ways. It scared me. I didn’t like it. And I suppose I’m still shaken up by it. My heart got carried away when it should stay put. Ahh, my heart…pray for it. The silly little thing…

Peru. That country and all who are within it have been heavy on my mind and heart lately. Anytime the topic comes up I feel as if my heart shrinks a size or two. I tell them that it breaks my heart, but I don’t think they realize how honest I’m being. The people of Peru pierced through layers of my heart that I didn’t even know existed. And peeling back those layers revealed raw, never before seen/heard/felt areas of my spiritual life that came alive and died in all the right ways. And though I have all the peace in the world about not going this year…my heart is just struggling right now. I feel as though all those layers are dying to come alive again. With their departure being just about a week away, I suppose that’s why it’s getting to me more. I’m trying to prepare myself for the day they all leave, since I know it will be spiritually trying and a struggle to not run after the plane as it’s taking off…as dramatic as that sounds.

I don’t think a day has gone by this summer where I haven’t questioned my productivity in every single area of my life. Without school, I’ve felt mentally incompetent and psychologically useless. With the fire at BCF, at times I’ve felt spiritually charred and singed. Without Peru…well, I already explained all about that. Without a job, I’ve felt completely lethargic. Having to depend on my parents to cover me for gas money and car payments, I’ve felt like a burden. Alright, I’m stopping…I’m annoying myself with my extremely negative complaints and whines and sighs. Wow…I hate when I do that.

Anyway…maybe this wasn’t as messy as I made it out to be. See, what happens is…when I start typing these little blogs, I initially begin with the intent of typing much more than I actually do. Somewhere between my mind and the tips of my fingers, I either find clarity or cowardliness. It’s no easy thing, putting it all out there…not like anyone’s forcing me to. But I do feel better typing/writing it all out, even if it’s not ALL there is to say. I don’t know how lyricists/musicians do it.

God is good. God is working. He is faithful and I have every reason to rejoice…and I do. I choose to. I can’t afford not to…